I don't cry everyday like I use. I called our social working, have been filling out tons of forms and setting up various meetings, with daycare, speech, and also to meet our new social worker. Today I met with the daycare to go over Gabe's care plan because he is "special needs" and what his progress has been over the summer and where he needs help. I nearly broke down in the car on my drive there, am I really driving to an appointment about Gabe? He really does have autism, it kind of just hit me, this is my life now meetings and paperwork educating everyone on my son and his needs. It seems odd to think that I haven't yet accepted the fact that he has autism yet, because everyday I am faced with one of the many appointments or paperwork that i need to deal with for him. As I was at the daycare meeting educating them on Gabriel, i nearly broke down several times, describing his odds behaviors and difficulties making sure they understand that he has limited understanding of language, what is normal for potty training an autistic child. Every word that comes out my mouth I am slowly realizing that my child is different from other kids, he does not learn the same, he cognitively is not the same, and may never be the same as other kids. They asked me after the meeting how we are dealing with all of this and i just couldn't hold it in anymore, it's be hard to accept. I just broke down and I feel bad cause I don't want their sympathy. I don't like crying in front of people, i don't like to cry. It just is at that point where I can't control the tears, I can't fight them anymore. I apologized, even though there was no need too, they understand they are mothers too. It is my child, when you look at that little person you dream about who they will be, what they will do, who they will marry. I feel like autism has taken that from me, I do not know what he is capable of anymore. Will he get married? Will he have a normal life and live on his own? Or will he live with me for his whole life? Will he have a job? I don't know anymore, I don't know what is realistic anymore.
The older he gets the more transparent it is becoming that something is wrong. I took my older daughter Elli to her swimming lessons she is 5 1/2 and Gabe is 3 1/2. There was an elderly lady there who said that she babysat kids her whole life and misses it so much, and then asked me if Gabe was 2. I said no, he is 3 1/2, she was utterly shocked, she could not contain her surprised expression. I felt awkward about the encounter and said, "I know his speech is severely delayed.", she said, "oh he is a boy, the older one always talks for him that's why." I said no he is autistic... and she clearly had no idea what that meant. I just walked away, i couldn't take the time to explain it to her, not without crying. It bothered me, it bothered me that his autism is noticeable, it makes me realize this isn't going away, he isn't going to grow out of this. He is autistic and all of the challenges that come with that we have to face now. While I was out the other day with my daughter getting her hair cut, i overheard a woman talking about her daughter that attended a small school, she was trying to get sympathy because the class size was so small, and all the girls were so catty. She said, " there are only 7 girls in the class, and one is autistic so its more like 6." I was utterly shocked, i could not believe that i just heard such an ignorant statement. I couldn't even respond or anything it took everything for me not to burst into tears, is this really what my son is going to have to face? How do i protect him from these kinds of people in the world, whose words are so hurtful. He never had a choice to be this way, why does he now have to deal with the ignorance of our world.
Eventually I will get stronger and more educated about my son. Just need to remember patience is key. He isn't acting out or being a brat, he just can't tell you why he doesn't want to do that, he doesn't understand that he has to stop playing to go in the car... and I don't know when or if he will ever understand.
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